IT WAS MIDNIGHT WHEN IT ALL HAPPENED.
The beautiful stars can all be seen in the dark sky, giving the night a radiant glow. The beauty of the night complemented the elegance of the castle.
The ballroom was full of guests invited by the Queen herself. All of them were evidently enjoying themselves. The room was brimming with dancing, music, and laughter. The hall was filled with red and gold curtains, and bejeweled chandeliers occupied the ceiling. Roses were in every table, intoxicating the guests with its scent.
A lone figure stood outside the windows, completely hidden in the shadows. It was gone unnoticed by the soldiers stationed outside the castle. It moved silently, very silently, making no sound at all, and in no time was inside the castle.
It happened in a fast blur then.
The figure started to ascend towards the other end of the hall. Everything the figure passed froze. Everything it breathes unto, everything that touches its long black cloak, becomes as still as ice. Turns as hard as stone.
Finally, it reached its destination.
It came face-to-face with the Queen herself. But, the Queen sat there, as if everything that just occurred were called for. If the Queen was disturbed by this, she did not show.
"What have you come here for?"
The hooded figure then showed itself. It was a young woman, an exquisite beauty indeed she was, with ocean blue eyes and silvery-blond hair.
"I want everything. Everything that is rightfully mine."
"Nothing here belongs to you."
"Everything here is mine, Grandmother."
The Queen's eyes widened, full of anger and hatred.
"I have disowned you long ago, Catherine."
"But you have no heir to the throne left Grandmother. Its only me now."
"Then I'd rather that a peasant be queen that a dark witch like you!"
"You'll regret this, Grandmother."
"Never."
"If this is what you prefer Grandmother. Your descendants will pay for your mistake!"
Catherine rose her hands above her and said : "This bloodline will forever be cursed! The dark magic you despised so much will be transferred to your entire bloodline, including your children and their children, with all the generations thereafter!"
With the gust of the wind, she was gone.
The music started playing once more. The guests continued dancing and talking as if nothing ever happened.
The Queen gasped in horror.
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7 comments:
Wow! i can't wait for the next installment stax! really great~ welski
AMAZING SIS!!!! so cool i love it!!! sis u are so talented!!! wow *sigh* i wish i could write like tat!!!
love ya sis!
Wow! so nice i didn't know you have a great imagination, i like it- keep it up!!
SIS U R AMAZING!!! wonderful job!!!! i love it keep it up and when u put it in a book ill pay you to get a copy!!!
love ya
-sis
i really think that is amazing a little dramatic though......but amazing all the same....don't get discouraged by my remark ...my friends keep telling me that when it comes to reviews I really don't spend much......anyway all the best for everything.....I am also on shelfari....chi chi that is I hope we'll be friends ..........tc
My First Impression: I was drawn in by the description, and the inclusion of magic. I love my fantasy stories! It seemed slightly short for a prologue, but that is not all important.
My Thoughts While Reading: The beginning was interesting, it caught my attention quickly and drew me in. I thought your work was very descriptive at the start. Towards the end, i felt as though it were rushed and needed a little bit of work.
My Suggestions: Perfect the ending, perhaps include more speaking, more of the characters actions or more of the characters thoughts. Then it will be perfect!
Overall, interesting start and i do look forward to seeing more from this story!
Keep Writing!
Suggestions:
~The roses which are intoxicating are plural and more than one, therefore it's should be changed to their to coincide with the many roses, and not one single rose.
~it was had gone unnoticed.
~towards an action word of movement. To move in the direction of something. Often with action words like this, we tend to add the extra syllable "s" when speaking, to motivate the word forward into movement. Already being a word of motion, this is an un-necessary action. This often then transfers into our writing, thus creating a slang term in the piece. If other slang is evident then using the slang version is acceptable and almost accepted. If no other slang is present, I would suggest removing the "s". To name a few of the other friends of this word, forward, backward, upward, downward, inward and outward. Again, that is just a few of them.
~starting a sentence with a conjunction,but or and creates an incomplete sentence. I would suggest either combining it with the previous thought by a comma, or simply omit the conjunction. Though this practice of starting sentences with conjunctions is popping up more and more in literature, in many circles it is still frowned upon.
~I have disowned you...
~ be queen thatthan a dark witch like ...
What I liked about this piece:
The oultine I see here in the prologue looks good. I can see the premise and what is being layed out. We have dark magic and castles so this should be an interesting tale to follow.
Areas that I had trouble with:
The granddaughter proclaims that her grandmother has no heirs so she shall inherit, yet it should be worded differently for she is the heir. no other heir, other than myself would be one alternative.
Why I rated this so:
Though it holds promise this to me is a rough draft. The narrative has too much telling and no showing. For instance: the shadow moved silently, silently through the halls. This tells us what it did, but show us instead. Paint us a picture with descriptives and adjectives, metaphors or similes.
For instance: With the stealth of a predator on the prowl, the shadow glided through the hallway un-announced.
I feel with some work this piece will improve, and I would gladly return to re-rate and review.
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